Things
to Ponder (751-1001)
By Larry751 Why do they call nuns mothers, since that's the last thing they'll be doing anytime soon? 752 Is it just me, but doesn't the Gaylord Entertainment Center (the old Nashville Arena) sound like a homosexual S&M place? 753 Are there any famous last words of a mime? 754 Is Jabba the Hutt related to Pizza the Hutt? 755 What is the deep significance of the tube top? 756 Can Amish people be pulled over for drunk driving? 757 At what temperature does Hell freeze? 758 Whatever happened to Monica Lewinsky? 759 Are Hare Krishnas an integral part of the airport experience? 760 Do those who have no life ever experience a near-death experience? 761 Does anyone else see a conneciton between Spam, bologna, tube tops, and the spread of redneck culture? 762 Whatever happened to the Garbage Pail Kids? 763 When insurance agents get caught speeding, do their rates go up? 764 Thought on how to end the drought: Why not go wash your car? It might rain an hour later! 765 Will Pink Elmo Dude ever find a working modem? 766 Why is my name so popular in stupid commercials? 767 Why do people in gatherings repeat the same phrases (hello, morning) over and over like a broken record? 768 If Al Gore tripped and fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it, would it still be boring? 769 What's so special about All Get Out (Bored as all get out, Ugly as all get out...)? 770 Did Einstein ever make an exercise video? 771 Is there a connection between gay men and mustaches? 772 Why do only virgins survive horror movies? 773 Do scientists really wear those funky white coats? 774 Did Right Said Fred ever meet Left Said Wilma? 775 If two wrongs don't equal a right, then what do they equal? 90210? 776 If it ain't over until it's over, then how do we know when it's over? 777 Do good things happen to bad people? 778 Whastever happened to the phenomenom known as the Care Bears? 779 Where do Hare Krishnas buy their robes? 780 Was Lite-Brite the brain child of an LSD addict? 781 What's the going rate of spandex and Aquanet these days? 782 Has Dick Clark ever aged? 783 Why do they abbreviate "thousand" with a K? 784 Does anyone remember the guy who gave the 2 hour speech before Lincoln's Gettysburg Address? 785 Why do women go in groups to the bathroom? Is it a fulfulling social experience? 786 Could bad Mexican food be considered biological weapons? 787 Since muffins are not alive, how can there be a stud muffin? 788 Why are some people more likely to pick their nose in public places than in a private setting? 789 Why does Hair Osmosis (from head to other, undesirable regions) happen only to men and not women? 790 What would happen if one was to replace a regular keg at a Frat party with a specially-blended non-alcoholic brew? 791 If I question the importance of a question, would it still be a question? 792 What does a professional hobbyist do for fun? 793 Has anyone else noted a direct ratio between the length of time a motivational speaker talks and the dropoff in audience motivation? 794 Why is it so easy to fall in love at a distance, but so hard to do up close? 795 If Freud was a high school psychology teacher, would there be more comfortable places to rest/sleep in the room? 796 Why is it when a few people in a group laugh, others will start to laugh even if they do not know what is causing the laughter? 797 Why do dogs wait until they're next to someone before shaking themselves dry after getting wet? 798 Whatever happened to the cast members of FAME? 799 Whatever happened to Elizabeth Berkeley? 800 Can someone repave my route to the Information Superhighway? I think I've hit a pothole... 801 Would Frat Parties be fun if everyone stayed sober? 802 What is it about school that causes teenage kids to claim temporary incontinence? 803 Have you noticed how many federal workers complain about how the government is spending too much money, when a part of that money funds their department? 804 Can rap artists play the Six Degrees of George Clinton? 805 What does a training bra train? 806 How exactly does one Cross their Hearts? 807 (From another teacher) Where is the Bridge over Troubled Water? 808 Has anyone ever considered the llama? 809 Do homeschooled children ever have class reunions? 810 Can one get sick drinking the Green Beer served on St. Patrick's Day? 811 If I talk off the top of my head, will I have a deformed mouth? 812 How does one properly celebrate 1999, the Year of the Rabbit? Buy a new VW? 813 What would Beavis Do (WWBD)? 814 Can the sniffing of Ditto Paper harm the synapses? 815 Has any guy written any bad poetry about a girl he hates? 816 If dead men tell no tales, then have they become mimes? 817 If I had seen her face, would I then be a believer? 818 Has Kilroy been here? (Read Catch-22 if you're clueless...) 819 How good are Zen Buddhists at the art of motorcycle maintainance? 820 (Think Football) If one hits the hole hard, will it hurt? 821 Can Fasting be considered part of the Biblicak Diet Plan? 822 Are those who don't believe in sacred cows bovine atheists? 823 Whatever happened to Andrew Dice Clay? 824 Is redneckuality a behavior choice or a congenital condition? 825 Where do psychologists go for counseling? 826 Will sackcloth ever come back in style? 827 Can people get hurt playing with words? 828 If 1999 is the Year of the Rabbit, then are Playmates going to be big this year? 829 Are there closet rednecks? 830 Why is it that most people do not labor on Labor Day? 831 Can missionaries be considered a type of religious telemarketer? 832 Did people in Jesus' time worry about Y0K? 833 How does the Artist Formerly Known as Prince answer the phone? 834 Is there an exterminator available for paperwork infestation? 835 Can I get out-of-service at an inservice meeting? 836 Is it just me, or is the thought that cancer coverage is part of the Cafeteria Plan for teachers a scary thought? 837 Whatever happened to the Fly Girls? 838 Blue slips, Pink slips, White Slips, Yellow slips - what are the deep connotations behind the colors? A color for every mood? 839 How would a mime communicate with a blind person? 840 If I show a video to a group of students, will they fall asleep (even if it is porn)? 841 When E.F. Hutton speaks, do people really listen? 842 If Smith & Barney make money the old-fashioned way, how do people make it the new-fashioned way? 843 What would the Satanic Prayer sound like if it was read backwards? 844 Can someone with multiple personalities be a loner? 845 What do close-minded people read in order to expand their minds? 846 Where do people go to learn how to play air guitar? 847 If being thoughtless means being without thought and senseless means being without sense, then what about sexless? 848 How does one determine the intelligence of an ass to see if it is a smart ass or a dumb ass? 849 Could anyone stand becoming a millionaire if they had to listen to that horrible music? 850 If one plans for the unexpected, would it then really be unexpected? 851 Whatever happened to Terence D'Arby? 852 Did Tears for Fears really Shout It All Out? 853 Has anyone ever thought about having a "Bring Your Llama to Work Day"? 854 Does Taco Bell produce toxic waste? 855 Decade-long musical ponder: Who actually started the fire? 856 Is it just me or what, but I don't think the Backstreet Boys ever lived near the 'hood. 857 Is the rough toilet paper provided to the schools a sign of sadistic thinking? 858 Why is it a big deal when a dumb (words do have two meanings, ya know) person speaks? 859 How many cuss words does a Smurf use? 860 How did Jesus celebrate his birthdate? Light a tree? Roast chestnuts? Ride a sleigh? Jingle? 861 How many shopping days remain until Memorial Day? 862 Did Michelle (think 80s) ever really fly high? 863 For the Football-Oriented: Who was Osky and why do people yell his name in tip drills? 864 Are school bomb threats directly proportional to test days? 865 When one is pushing the envelope, is it letter or legal size? 866 Is one in the hand (nudge, nudge, wink, wink...say no more) really worth two in the bush? 867 If one can feel the excitement, then is excitement capable of being fondled? 868 When two gay guys get "married," who is the bride and who is the groom? 869 If you milk something for all it's worth, then does that thing have nipples? 870 If my mind truly was in the gutter, then where is the rest of my body? 871 If my mind wanders, then is it capable of movement? 872 If I had a thought in my brain....would I feel it? 873 If I had a thought in my brain.....[insert thought here] 874 If size matters, then are short people worthless? 875 Do people with short tempers have an inferiority complex? 876 Remember, it's not the size, but what you do with it....are these famous last words of a short loser? 877 Do dogs enjoy smelling other dogs' farts? If not, then why do they keep sniffing other's rears? 878 Based on an actual Congressional proposal: What would one do on National Mule Day to celebrate? Kiss a mule? 879 What does a boring person do when he/she/it gets bored? Bore someone else? 880 If I fart in the middle of a forest, and no one is around, will it still smell bad? 881 What do I do when I finish considering the lillies? 882 If dead men tell no tales, then do dead women still gossip? 883 What would happen if one was to give a cat acid? 884 What do monks do for a good time? 885 I had thought to ask why priests were called "father," then I thought that it definitively made more sense than calling nuns "mother," especially if you listen to the news. 886 Has anyone else felt like they've been trapped/entangled by the internet (key on the net)? 887 If a blind person is asked to visualize someting, what does he/she see or not see? 888 Are smart @$$es viewed favorably by other donkeys? 889 What bad jokes do blondes tell? 890 Have you ever pondered about something you thought you pondered before, only to find that you never really had pondered it? 891 Pondering the United Negro College Fund's slogan: What's so terrible about a mind being wasted? Most college kids do it every weekend... 892 Related to above: If haste makes waste, then maybe the slogan is urging people not to be in a hurry. 893 Still related to above: If haste still makes waste, then are most people speeding wasted? 894 Not related to above: Have you ever pondered why/how I come up with the things I ponder? 895 Recent news flash: Madonna does remake of American Pie for new video. Hmmm...Is that Don McClean's song or the movie? 896 What do three-toed sloths do for entertainment? 897 Semi-related to above: Since three-toed sloths seem to rarely make haste, then are they never wasted? 898 What in the h*!! is a dingleberry? 899 If $h!t happens, when why do people worry about constipation? It will come when it will come (bad paraphrase of Shakespeare's Hamlet) 900 The number 9, the number 9, ponder the number 9 and its upside-down mirror together. 901 Is Dick Clark an ageless immortal? 902 What is the deep inner meaning of SPAM? 903 90210...90210...90210...pondering why it still exists... 904 Solution to above: 90210, is it the cockroach of TV programs, capable of surviving debilitating nuclear blasts of numbness and stupidity? 905 What do pigs call eating too much food? Humaning out? 906 Think Doors: Crystal Ship...Ship of Fools...deep connections? 907 For philosophy and/or intellectual/ cultural historians: How would an existentialist answer Hamlet's question of "To be or not to be..." 908 Did the Summer of Love (1967) produce a lot of babies in 1968? 909 Does pantamine deal with exhausted mimes? 910 Will Beavis ever score? 911 Is 911 really a joke now (think Flavor Flav)? 912 How many flavors does Flavor Flav come in? 913 Think Limp Bizkit: Has anyone ever done it all for the Wookie? 914 Related to above: Is Chewie really chewy? 915 Besides cheese, are there any other dairy products' names used to describe bad films, TV, talk shows, etc.? 916 If silence is golden and talk is cheap, what is the ratio of gold to cheap? How much talk equals the going rate of silence? 917 Why does belly button lint smell so bad? 918 Are gay love songs as cheesy as regular love songs? 919 Who wears the pants in a lesbian household? 920 Are there gay animals? 921 Doesn't the phrase "ass backwards" seem kinda stupid, since the @ss is in the back? Why not say "@ss frontwards" instead? 922 Do dogs ever go through a second puppyhood? 923 Exactly what would one do for a Klondike Bar? 924 Why don't a lot of people want me to drop feces, even though they say "oh $h!t!" 925 Whatever happened to Ricki Lake? 926 Could people knock on Al Gore for luck (knock on wood)? 927 If I said it once, then would I then be repeating myself? 928 Are dogs stuck in ruts? (words do have two meanings, ya know) 929 Do all ferrets go to heaven? 930 Pondering the mysteries of why boy bands are so popular? Did they sell their souls to Hasselhoff? 931 How exactly does one get the hell beat out of them? 932 Why do people say "bless you" when you sneeze? 933 Why am I writing all of these ponders for a group of maybe 3-4 people? 934 What did the Wicked Witch of the West have for a drink when she got thirsty? 935 What is the role of the farter in late 20th century society? 936 Ponder why I'm giving no ponders for the number 936... 937 Why do dogs lick their genitals? 938 Why do fat workers like to show crack? 939 How many colors does a blind person see? 940 Why do witches burn? 941 Why do we give the same name for the female genitalia that we have given to felines? 942 If I've fallen and can't get up, how do I call Lifeline? Will Regis answer? 943 Do they ever let ex-5 day champions on Jeopardy appear on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? 944 How can I get giggy wit it? 945 Correct me if I am wrong, but I think Kris Kross would not make me jump, it would make me see weird... 946 Whatever happened to Shadow Stevens? 947 Pondering why Monica Lewinsky doesn't have her own video... 948 Is there anti-Viagra for teens? 949 Are Wookies gettin' down wit it Wookie style? 950 Is Han Solo an unofficial Wookie translator? 951 Since a group of fish are called a school, can we consider fish to be educated? 952 Semi-related to above: Schools of thought, high school, is it me but is it unfortunate that the two schools are mutally exclusive terms? 953 If Jimmy Stewart had been a teacher, would he have had a wonderful life? 954 If one was to do a remake of Apocalypse Now, would the setting take place in an afternoon school classroom? 955 Another remake of a famous movie for the schools: Would a remake of Johnny Got His Gun refer to a school shooting? 956 Is it me or what, but is remembering the "good old days" a sign of being old? 957 Why don't people remember the good new days? 958 When Jesus said "Suffer the children," was he talking to teachers? 959 Who was the wonderous inventor of the miniskirt? 960 Who was the hideous inventor of the tube top? 961 Subject of a previoud ponder (not sure if I typed it, though...): Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster)--when child stars "grow" up... 962 Whatever happened to the dude who played Webster? 963 What was the deep inner meaning of ALF? 964 Still pondering the meaning of Terence D'Arby... 965 Not pondering the importance of Sebastian Bach... 966 Just started pondering the connection between Aquanet and loud guitars and fast women... 967 Related to above: fast women...does this term for a slut mean that all sluts are world-class sex sprinters? 968 Why is it, that no matter the situation, that a guy in a relationship is always wrong? 969 Continued: Also, why is it, that when a guy is blamed for doing something wrong, a girl will often change her mind, but still find fault in the guy for doing something wrong, even if the two supposed wrongs contradict one another? 970 What exactly did Limp Bizkit do only for the nookie? Sing horrible-sounding songs without a trace of talent? [Maybe someone younger than 21 (I'm 25) can explain their "talent" to me, but I seriously doubt it...] 971 Pondering the reason why I can't ponder now. 972 If Seinfeld was truly a show about nothing, then wouldn't the watchers not see anything at all? 973 What were the Reindeer games that Rudolph wasn't allowed to play? 974 Was rudolph a good brownnoser, since his nose shined so much? 975 Where is it that the sun doesn't shine? 976 Why do left-handed people use the right side of their brains? 977 Why do people (like me) want the most what they cannot have? 978 How many Backstreet/N'Sync fans will admit that these groups have any talent ten years from now? 979 Whatever happened to Tito Jackson? 980 Pondering two stickers on a door at a Kroger's in Gallatin, TN: Sticker No. 1: Welcome to Kroger's. Sticker No. 2: Do Not Enter. 981 Why do high school seniors give name cards to their classmates? Don't they know each other already? 982 Why is it that as the belly expands, it seems to draw substance from an area directly below it? 983 Pondering why no women have sent me e-mails in a long time asking if I have a girlfriend... 984 What is the deep inner meaning behind the Macarana? 985 Why do some no-smoking places provide ashtrays at the tables? 986 Why do the women that I won't go out with hit on me, while the ones that I do want to see refuse to talk to me? 987 What do nuns do for a good time? 988 What would a rebellious nun do? Say the Ave Maria backwards? 989 Do Christians say the Satanic Prayer backwards? 990 What hidden messages can be found on a Marilyn Manson CD if it is played backwards? 991 Pondering the meaning of Yanni....Why, Lord, why?!?!? 992 If one played Yanni's music backwards, would it still suck? 993 Why do Yanni and Weird Al look-alikes have to sit/stand near me at cool concerts when I'm trying to look for some good-looking young women? 994 Do women who end relationships with "It's not you, it's me" ever really feel sorry about themselves? 995 Will the oil crisis affect the sales of Vaseline and KY Jelly? 996 How would a mime indicate that he or she wants to "get physical"? 997 Pondering the deep inner meaning of smegma. 998 Pondering if people will actually read my ponders... 999 Read this upside-down and ponder that, Wookie-Nookie.... 1000 (Drumrolls and anal trumpet blasts:) For the 1000th ponder (before bad edits): Is this ponder part of the first or second millenium of ponders (in their original, uncut, uncensored, too-hot-for-the-webpage form)? Bonus: 1001 If someone can come up with 1001 things to say or do, why couldn't they come up with 1002? Speaking of which, number 1002 will appear later in my ponderings, if I decide not to skip it. .......These are my
ponderings. Bless the reading and pondering of these words...
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