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Dax Montana

Hunting for the Finer Things of Life

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Saturday, September 27, 2003

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The Joke’s On Whom?

I’ve always been one for a good joke, a good practical joke that is. I’ve fallen victim to many harmless pranks, only not so much in these later years. I tend to dish it out quite frequently though. I’m apt to play the mental cruelty type mind fuck on some unsuspecting victim as opposed to the physical torture type prank.

I like to unleash a mind fuck campaign on some little brained fool who deserves it. I start out with little subtle things like breaking into the boss’ office and dulling all his pencils. Then maybe the next night I’ll link all his paper clips together. These harmless pranks culminate into more major onslaughts like taping the track ball on the mouse. Then maybe I’ll screen shot the computer leaving it useless. There are subscriptions to Adult magazines to contend with along with moving companies scheduled to pack up the victim’s house. The list is endless. Just don’t take it to far because as every prankster knows…Paybacks are hell.

I remember the great Prank War of 1985. My roommates and I tortured each other for nearly twelve months. I don’t remember who drew first blood. I just know I was the first victim. I awake on a rainy afternoon to the endless ringing of the phone. After about the twentieth ring, I groggily stumble out to the den to answer the damned thing. I pick up the receiver to the sound of gut wrenching laughter. It was then I noticed the whole side of my face was covered in shaving cream and coffee grounds. I was picking coffee grounds out of my ear for three fucking days. Bastards!

So I started my psych-ops campaign. I started to rearrange Beaker’s album collection, his pride and joy. First reversed alphabetical order, then every third album. Inner sleeves, and the actual vinyl were placed in different order. This drove the poor boy nuts. Then I took advantage of Mike. He had a bad habit of losing his shoes. Every morning, he ran around looking for his shoes. I asked him everyday if he had checked the freezer. He hadn’t but the shoes turned up. That is until exam day. The night before I soaked his shoes in a mixture of urine and stale beer and froze those size elevens solid as a brick. The poor bastard ran around looking for those shoes. I asked if he had checked the freezer. He wouldn’t have checked except Beaker chimed in, “Yea, ha ha check the freezer.” Man, Mike was pissed. He had no choice but to put on those cold frosty shoes. He found out while taking his exam what the shoes were soaked in. I thought he was going to kill me. I envisioned him trying to answer test questions while wriggling his frosty toes in soggy socks then catching a whiff of piss and beer. They both learned not to fuck with me.

The exploits of my inner jokester would certainly fill many pages. However the post inspiring classic prank I witnessed Friday certainly goes down as a hall of famer.

Timm, one of the owners and a prankster in his own right, got his comeuppance. He sent Max to the Mexican restaurant for some tacos. Timm abuses Max regularly. Basically he works Max’s ass off just because he can. Well Max takes a garden fresh Habaño pepper, dices it up and puts the pieces into the taco salsa. If you’ve never tasted a Habaño pepper, it’s hot. Really hot. Unsuspecting Timm applies a liberal slathering of sauce to his taco and starts eating. All the cooks gather around to watch the eating of this tainted taco. Timm takes a bite. Nothing. On his second bite, he stops chewing, swallows hard and starts trying to spit. The little beads of sweat start pouring off his face. His eyes are bugging out and watery as he gasps for air. The red-faced man is waving his hands in front of his mouth. Yea, like that will do any good. He frantically grasps for his drink. He was jumping around, chewing ice, bread, and celery, anything cold. This went on for about ten minutes. All the while, we were laughing our asses off. Got damn, that was funny.

I don’t do the physical stuff, but I sure enjoy watching. One thing’s for sure. Max has hell to pay. Just Damn!


posted by Dax Montana 5:42:51 AM

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How Did I Get Here?

I sit back and wonder, “How did I get to this place in life?” There was once a time when I didn’t think I’d live to see 21. I lived that way too. Continuous parties, booze, sex, drugs, driving fast and general debauchery were the menu items of the day. I think that attitude lasted until I reached 25.

I don’t know what happened at 25 to make me slow down and realize that I might be around for a while, but I did. I always figured to burn out rather than fade away. Oh well, here I am fading away.

Sometimes I lament changing lanes. Moving over into the slower paced lanes of life traffic isn’t so bad. I have my wonderful family. My wife is simply awesome. The children are beautiful and smart. I’m truly blessed. But every now and again, I can’t help but wonder, “What if I chose that faster path?” or a totally different path altogether.

I got an Email from a stranger who mysteriously noted a mutual friend sent him to my Blog. As cryptic as this message was, I knew immediately the emailer was referring to my longtime buddy Lance.

Lance and I were pals since before High School. We discovered life together. While in our young twenties, we lived a Rock ‘n’ Roll lifestyle. I decided to pursue a radio career, while Lance decided to sell everything he owned. He even gave his dog away, and traveled out west. I’m not sure of his travels, however he ended up at Yosemite National Forrest. He gave up everyone and everything for Rock Climbing.

As bizarre as I found his choices, they were his alone. He continues his music in little clubs catering to tourists and climbers. Meanwhile, I left the crazy music world, settled down and started a family and a Blog.

Every now and again, I can’t help but wonder, “ What if.” Just Damn!


posted by Dax Montana 7:17:58 AM

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Where’s the #@%& Remote?

I awoke from my nap, read a few Blogs, and decided not to post anything. “I think I’ll watch a little TV,” I said to myself. Only, I can’t find the fucking remote control. Sure, I can turn the TV on. I could get up and change the channels. But it just doesn’t seem worth it. So, you get this lame post.

After the Food Show, I came home about sick. Now I’m hungry. What is it about eating that makes me hungry later? If I eat breakfast, then I’m really hungry later. However, if I skip breakfast, then I almost forget to eat later. Where’s that Cuban sandwich when I need it

Holy Crap! I’ve been looking for that Video driver CD. Now I can reinstall that DVD player on the PC. It’s still not the remote control. I don’t know why I go crazy when I can’t find the damned thing. Maybe it’s under the bed? I’m obsessed with finding that remote.

Just Damn! I found it! It was hiding under the chair cushion.


posted by Dax Montana 4:09:13 AM

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Survival of The Food Show

Wow! I can’t believe I ate the whole thing! And I mean everything. We ate Chicken, Roast Beef, Fajitas, Stir-fry, Shrimp, Crab legs, Muscles, Pasta, Chocolate cake, Cheesecake, and drank free booze all night long.

We stayed at the Airport Marriott. They supplied everything including Play station and Internet Access. (For $10.99 a night)

Then this morning, we toured the vendor exhibits. We ate all over again. Little bits of Ham, Chicken, Danish, Bleu Cheese stuffed Olives were but a sampling. The neatest item, a little kiwi that was grape sized without the fuzz. Our favorite samples, The Cuban sandwich.

Just Damn! I need a nap


posted by Dax Montana 6:22:04 PM

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Carnival #53 is Up

Pathetic Earthlings has posted The Carnival of the Vanities. You can check out the Whisky Blogging too! Now that’s BIG. Just Damn!


posted by Dax Montana 2:26:40 PM

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The Food Show

Being in the Restaurant Business, every now and again I’m treated to a Food Show. This is one of those times. Tuesday afternoon, the beautiful and talented Priscilla and I will be joining my Boss and his wife for the Food Show. We will be staying in a hotel Tuesday night and touring the exhibits Wednesday morning. Look for lightly scattered posting.

Anyway, our restaurants’ food supplier is hosting the show. Free food and drinks, and parties, and hotel rooms are all compliments of the distributor. I’m sure a good time will be had by all…except me.

Here’s my dilemma. The wife and I alone in a hotel for a child free night. Man oh man, a dream come true. We don’t go out much, mostly because I work “out.” It’s hard to break away from the kids. My wife really deserves a great night out because she works her ass off and I don’t appreciate all she does for me. Anyway, I’m under pressure to make sure she has a great time.

Then again, how much of a good time can I have with my boss and his wife? If I drink a lot, (I do) will he think I’m loaded while working? (I wait until all money is counted be fore I have “one”) I’m not real close to my boss anyway. I’m sure I don’t want this outing to be a bonding experience. I made the mistake of getting close to my last boss and things didn’t work out so well, hence, a new boss. I know they are good people and treat their managers as family. I respect them and the sacrifices they have made to give me an opportunity to support my family. I just don’t want to create tight bond. I would then have reservations should I want to leave the company.

I’m going to suck it up and force myself to have a good time. I’m going to make sure my wife has a good time. I’m not going to make as ass out of myself. I’m Just Damned if I do, Just Damned if I don’t. Just Damn!


posted by Dax Montana 4:34:12 AM

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Time to Walk Around the Cul-De-Sac

Kelly has out done herself again with this week’s Cul-De-Sac. Take some time to stroll around and meet some neighbors along the way.


posted by Dax Montana 3:18:31 AM

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Tips for Meeting Bloggers

I’ve seen numerous tips for various things in the Blogosphere. Rules for blogging, tips for getting linked or hits, and even how to get an Instalanche seem to making its way around. Well, here are a few tips on meeting Bloggers. After meeting Kelley and Adam, I realized that a few tips might come in handy for the next meeting.

1. Let them know you’re coming.

I know that sounds quite rudimentary, however, I didn’t adhere to this tip when I met Acidman last year. For some crazy reason, I thought I would be “cool” to surprise him at Blood Mountain. Although things worked out, there were a few moments where Gunplay could have been involved. After all, he is a crazy cracker. Let me recap. Don’t surprise a drunken redneck at a cabin in the woods. (What the Hell was I thinking?)

2. Pick a well-lighted public place.

Sure they sound like cool, rational people on their Blogs. However, many of us are totally whacked out. (See tip #1.) Play it safe. Blogging can be fun. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security.

3. If your place of meeting is a bar, drink responsibly.

Don’t let this happen to you.

4. Bring a camera. Digital is best.

A camera not only documents with photographic evidence the meeting occurred, but also gives you the upper hand in the “Blackmail” factor. (See tip #3.) Remember, it’s your camera so you’re in control of the evidence. You definitely want to document your fellow Bloggers “acting the fool.”

5. Respect the Do Not Publish wishes of the other Bloggers.

If they tell you not to publish it then don’t. Remember, you must clearly state the Disclaimer “Don’t post that” or it will get posted. For example, if the other Blogger has some physical deformity like six fingers on one hand or a third nipple. If they ask you not to divulge that information, don’t. Use wise judgment here. They can always post that you eat boogers or something worse. Whether it's true or not.

6. Take advantage of the time you have.

For most of us Blogging is personal. Sure we let little bits of ourselves out in public. But we are all more than just our Blogs. Take the time to make a real friend. It will make Blogging more enjoyable.

I hope these tips help you out as you plan that next Blogger meeting. Oh, Adam, sorry about that picture. I just couldn’t resist. After all, you were voted the sexist male Blogger. Just Damn!


posted by Dax Montana 2:57:28 AM

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The Letter of the Yesterday

The Letter of the Day…. yesterday was O. As in O’ shit, Venomous Kate has linked to me and I had my head up my ass. I had a few letters of the day myself, although mostly from the bottom of a Margarita glass. Just Damn!


posted by Dax Montana 8:11:33 AM

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Bloggers and Margaritas

Although I’m heart broken over the Bulldog loss to LSU, somehow sitting with two Bloggers was the sugar that made that bad medicine go down. That Single Guy from the South, Adam showed up in Atlanta for a little business. So, I conned Kelley of Suburban Blight fame to meet up with us. Just Damn!

We drank Margaritas, ate cheese dip, and I smoked a ton of cigarettes. We gossiped about you too. You know who you are. After meeting up with people I have only read about, I conclude that Bloggers in real life are more fun than online. Somehow the Blogosphere seems smaller today. Just Damn!




posted by Dax Montana 2:28:09 AM