"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Phil Arnold previously proposed that we go wild and have a springtime meeting at his house underneath his large oak trees and a beautiful warm sky.

Unfortunately, upcoming scheduling problems have forced Phil to postpone his gracious invitation until the fall, when we are sure to find equally beautiful skies and wonderful company.

Writing a blog is one thing, finding readers is another. The more hits a website or blog racks up, the closer it gets to being at the top of the list returned by a search engine such as Google. Those in the know claim that a good way to raise your Google rating is to have links to your site from other highly ranked sites.

Phil Arnold's ElvisBlog is well on its way to stardom. Elvis International Magazine's website (http://www.elvisthemagazine.com) now features a prominent link to ElvisBlog on its main page.

Pat Stewart proudly circulated a copy of "Reunions Magazine" which featured an article written by Pat called "Scrapbooking and Memory Projects." It must be great to see your work in print, right Pat?

Nancy Parker brought the following upcoming conferences to our attention:

Southeastern Writers Annual Writers' Conference June 19-24, 2005

"Offers a week of intensive study under highly qualified instructors, informative manuscript critiques, camaraderie with fellow writers, entertaining evening speakers and time to relax and rekindle the creative spark. A week at Southeastern Writers at Epworth-by-the-Sea, St. Simons Island, Georgia, will assure you a year's inspiration and the determination to see your name in print."

On the web at http://www.southeasternwriters.com

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Hub City Writers Project Writing In Place Conference 2005

June 17-19, 2005

"Writing in Place is a hands-on, intensive writing conference with workshops that appeal to both beginners and professionals. Hosted for the fourth year by the Hub City Writers Project at Wofford College, this conference is open to 72 adult participants, with class sizes that do not exceed 12 people."

Website is http://www.hubcity.org

The next meetings of the Greenville Chapter of SCWW are as follows:

• Thursday, May 5 - First Thursday Meeting, 6:00 p.m. at The Open Book
• Tuesday, May 17 - Third Tuesday Meeting, 6:00 p.m. at The Open Book

Welcome to newcomer Harriett Beam and her children's story.

We congratulate Harriett on the protagonist's name of Mary Louise McGillicuty-Stamps and her reading voice. Those two characteristics alone would have made any story sound good. I have always liked the name McGillicuty. I wonder what the history of that name is.

It has been a while since I read children's stories but Harriett grasps the basics--keep the action interesting and teach a simple moral.

On the technical side, every author has his idiosyncrasies. Harriett doesn't like to indent paragraphs and is overly fond of dashes. One dash is enough in a name and two to indicate an interruption, but never use them to end a sentence. I seem to recall that children's stories tend to have an excess of exclamation points and capital letters for emphasis.

The story line of Mary Louise resembling a mop was strong. The group agreed that story needed more specifics. Which healthy foods did she dislike? What specifically did she wear? What did her daddy fix her for breakfast? What brand name cereal got into her hair?

To strengthen the plot line, we suggested that she startle her father by knocking down the mop and then hiding alongside the wall where the mop had been so that her sleepy father would use her as the mop.

As final advice, always strive for strong verbs--enjoy vs like, flung vs threw, scrubbed vs rubbed, dropped vs released, clambered vs got into, etc.

In "Genghis," Steve Heckman paints a frighteningly prophetic picture of life - if you can call it that - as we never want to know it: an unpublished novelist in a nursing home. Go on, ask yourself … what are the odds? Scary, isn't it?

Writer 'Stephen' has a nibble on his line when fellow resident Roberta shows an interest in his novel. He just needs to play her right, and net her if he can - before she too, rides out of his life in the Hershberger hearse. And play her he does, hooking her with the lore surrounding Genghis Kahn's burial with his treasures … 'she thought I was interesting, and a little bad.' Unfortunately for Stephen, the filament pops when Roberta realizes he hasn't written anything in twenty-five years, and she fishtails away to the rummy table.

Everyone liked Steve's story. Oh, there were a few shudders around the table when it was over, but Red is sure they were of the "there, but for the grace of God" variety. The group had to dig deep even for pithy ponderings like: Was Chick interesting enough to keep, or did he slow the story down? Did Roberta, who would presumably be flattered by Stephen's attention, break off the conversation too soon? All the rest was dots and dashes, none of it worthy of note.

Steve's story of a possible future has reminded Red of three things: (1) His growing sense of mortality; (2) He waited too damn long to find out he loved to write; and (3) Be really, really nice to the wife and kids and maybe they'll shoot you when you need it.

Phil Arnold read from his latest venture into Elvistrivia. He read a few of his ELVISBLOG entries posted on the Web.

Reviewing Phil Arnold's ELVISBLOG proved to be a learning experience for my navigator on the information superhighway, my husband Jack, and me. I am a blog dummy and needed help just to get to Google. I wanted to find Phil and Elvis as if I had no address. First of all, putting in Elvis Presley lists 4,280,000 possible sites. No help there. Phil Arnold lists 1,860,000 choices. There is a Phil Arnold to teach the trombone or the harmonica. Not our Phil. Next were 31,000 at philarnoldgreenvillesc sites.

I gave up after finding 3,920 "philarnold"s. I gave up and used the address on his blog printout. The Saturday, April 9 "Sexiest Rock and Roll Artists of All Time" was another winner in Phil's Elvis collection. I liked the last line best of all: "He was our Public Envy #1."

An article in the Greenville News defined bloggers as "people who post their opinions on personal Web sites." That word is now in my vocabulary. I tried to comment to Phil's blog, as indicated on the page. No luck. Phil did not give me a surname or password to use. Now I know that using the blog is not just a matter of finding it!

Phil is an innovator by setting up this site and putting his writing on it. In doing this he also introduced me to a new use of the internet. Phil can take credit for not only entertainment, but being a teacher with ELVISBLOG. Thanks Phil, I appreciate having new challenges in my life.

Once again, John Migacz took an experience we have all had and allowed us to relive it. Anytime the club spends most of the critique time discussing the imagery of a mattress leaving like a flying carpet, and how it reminds them of a time they saw the same thing, the mental picture is outstanding. Throughout this piece John painted us a murial, and let us share an event from his life. From the phone call to the dinner at Arby's we all relived this event with him.

One of the more serious deliberations, believe it or not, was what to call this piece of art? Is it a story? Our resident expert explained that to be a true story the character or characters had to grow and change in some way. In this writing, John's son didn't seem to grow or change. That means this writing should be entered in the essay category for the anthology, and it should be definitely entered.

The other questions were: Is it okay to place humorous parenthetical statements in a piece, (This, of course is a matter of opinion. I personally enjoyed the parenthetical comedy.) and was Quasimodo ugly. I don t know about Quasimodo, but (although the club voted to remove them) I you know how I feel about funny (anytime, anyplace).

The only other comments were a couple of spots where the jokes wore themselves out, the use of an ellipse, (ellipses seemed prevalent at this meeting) and, as always, accolades for a job well done. This essay/story/yarn/article/historical account let us all relive times when we helped someone move, only to find the experience, in hindsight, moving.

Jim McFarlane's work-in-progress Penelope as Good as Dead becomes more intriguing with each reading. This most recent passage provides suspense with Jim's careful and effective use of powerful images and metaphor. The group especially enjoyed the bird metaphor: the vultures as harbingers of death and the images of ravens and crows used to enhance the darkness of what or who lies in the "multi-colored mounds."

Readers offered few suggestions to improve the passage. One suggestion included to do away with the dialect as some of the spelling could not be consistently interpreted. A second suggestion was to bring in the use of wind earlier on in the passage perhaps as a foreshadowing of the "distraught wails of the women who had found their men."

It will be interesting to see how Annie copes with her loss of innocence as she faces the possibility she may soon "know death."

Howard Lewis's story "Kenneth" explores the narrow rut that leads his protagonist to marriage's version of a head-on collision with a bridge abutment. The wreck happens in the opening line of the tale: "Before I knew there was daylight… I knew Annie was gone." Yep, wife dumped him. Kenneth's daily work grind has pulverized him into a passive paste that just lives for weekends. He can't even enjoy Sunday nights because he so dreads Monday mornings.

The first part of this story has Kenneth relating the incidents that led to the breakup and fills the reader in on Kenneth's background. Howard's story has many bright lines like "a garden apartment that had everything except a garden" and "I'd watch the Sound of Music six times before volunteering to wash dishes, and in that movie they sing."

The group found Kenneth's monologue a little casual for someone whose world just "imploded." The consensus was that after being upset by his wife's leaving, he shouldn't be thinking about dating so soon. After a good opening line the lengthy description of the house slowed the story down. The table thought it a bit contradictory that "Kenneth worked hard to get his job," yet his Uncle hired him. It was felt that Howard should 'show and not tell' the wife not liking the movie.

Every man who has worked at a job he loathes can relate to Kenneth's predicament. Hopefully, Kenneth will use this hard knock to get his life and priorities in order - and win back the "best woman and only good thing in his life."

How's this for guts? Write a story based on the premise that Richard Nixon wasn't the victim of funding cuts at the FBI in 1937 and became an agent instead of POTUS. Not only that, but write it in first person from the POV of Nixon himself. Too gutsy for most writers, but just another day at the office for Kevin Coyle. And Kevin is not just some fool rushing in. His fearlessness pays off in the opening scene of "The Private Burning," an alternate history set in the commie-bashing late 40's. Nixon, a veteran agent, is sent out with a bumbling rookie to interview the newly-elected president of the Screen Actors Guild, one Ronald Reagan, about possible leftward leanings (even Reagan's pompadour is left-tilting). Der Tubemeister can't resist a setup like that. Kevin deftly works in classic Nixon scheming (making a mental note to look into alcoholism in the Reagan family because 'such a tidbit could prove useful') and Reagan fatherliness ('"Now Jane." Reagan put his arm around her shoulder'), while keeping the historical details right (an FBI interview with Reagan and Jane Wyman actually happened on the date of the story). DT can't wait to find out what never happened next.

And here's a new feature of P.O.V. -- Limerick O' the Month:

There once was a singer named Jacko
And though adults thought he was wacko
Little boys didn't blanche
At going to his ranch
Where he cried till they hopped in his sacko

Would you like to hear another essay about Pat Stewart's family? I'm ready for a new one at every meeting, and Pat usually obliges. She modestly told us that she and Jack are putting all the family essays together for a book. It ought to be great.

Last meeting we enjoyed "Remembering The Dinner Party." The central characters are Pat and her two sisters, especially Helen. She had the nerve to tell the neighbors a made-up a story that their parents wouldn't let them in the house to eat. Older sister Pat gasped and knew she couldn't let the neighbors think their parents didn't feed them. She resolved to get Helen for doing this. Sure, enough, all three girls got punished for Helen's poorly chosen words. To me, this is the heart of the story and could be expanded for more humor.

The bookend sections about the ricer to make applesauce are nicely done to open and close the piece. One member suggested adding a bit to the ending to better tie it with the beginning. A little touch up and "Remembering The Dinner Party" will be ready for the book.

Carol Isler read another selection from Reunion Fire, her novel set in the Carolina mountains that tells the continuing story of a young woman (heretofore unnamed) and her cousin, or "awful wedded husband," named Eddie McMinn. I never did get to ask Carol if this selection, chronologically speaking, comes before or after the one she read a few months ago. Several women of our group were too busy cooing over Cousin Eddie - "He's sooo precious!" - for me to ask.

Without a doubt, Carol's command of "local-speak" pops the characters right off the page. She writes in such a distinct voice that even non-natives can hear what her characters sound like, and from that, form a clear picture of them in our heads.

My question has to do with plot. I'm not quite sure where this book is going. So far, both selections that Carol has read tell basically the same story: the narrator and Cousin Eddie, after a long separation, are surprised at how much they've changed since they last saw each other. I assume there's more to the story plot-wise than that. I'm looking forward to finding out what. Hopefully, Carol will be able to make herself heard above all that cooing.

Bob Strother brought us a new short story this month. "The Open Gate" is a tender, sweet tale of a black couple married over 50 years and how they met. As a director of an Upstate city planning council, the narrator of this short story is a new writer interested in the couple's past.

The precious, spiritual ending had this old redneck lifting the spectacles and knuckling away a few drops of moisture. One member commented that C.S. Lewis would be proud of this piece.

The group offered several helpful suggestions. One member wanted to see more of the couple story and less of the narrator - more details of the couple's rendezvous at the gate. The hospital scene would be less abrupt if there were a little more dialogue between the two men, Bob and Ed, and some interaction between the family members there in the waiting room. I look forward to hearing this again after Bob reworks it.

First, a note about the content of the Third Tuesday Meetings: When the meeting was first suggested, we thought that if only a few people showed up, we would have time for longer selections from novels and larger works. It was never our intention to limit this meeting to novelists only. We will continue to divide our available time by the number of people who wish to read selections from any genre. Those hoping to read longer selections should bring more pages, but be prepared to cut it short if required.

There were twelve attendees and ten readers at this month's meeting.

John Kingsbury was up first with the opening chapter of his new novel Pedophile of the Mind. We meet Chris Parker, a prosecutor specializing in sexual abuse cases, and learn a little about Chris's own experiences as a victim of abuse. John flashes back the man who treated eleven-year old Chris like a son but also took advantage of him.

Jim McFarlane presented us with a summary of the second half of Penelope As Good As Dead.

Bob Stother's Love Among the Greeks continued with Johnny's daring rescue of his very drunk friend Rivers from the lecherous clutches of Sigma Chi linebacker Al Renfro.

Harriet Beam's essay "Reflections" described the loss of her innocent free spirit, triggered by her father's unceremonious delivery of her first bra.

Crystal Pitrois made her first foray into the world of short stories with "Viability," the tale of a very young girl on a farm witnessing the difficult birth of a calf, and the subsequent death of both calf and cow.

Steve Heckman's "Griswold" told the story of an antique dealer, the fantastic deals she finds at the yard sale of a pregnant, beaten-down mother of two, and the act of kindness that surprises both us and the downtrodden mother.

John Migacz returned to A Second Chance, describing ten-year old Jolly's trip to his new home accompanied by his next challenge in this new life, Aunt Selma.

Newcomer Susan Boyer followed the golden rule of mysteries by providing us with a dead body before the end of the prologue of her book Lowcountry Boil. We witnessed the deed from the point of view of the victim, Emma Rae Talbot, and the clean-up from the point of view of the perpetrator. Finally, we met tour boat owner, Captain Tom, who is motivated by a front page newspaper story to sail alone across the Atlantic to the home he had left 22 years earlier.

Ray Giddens shared a memoir of his grandmother, "Fanny Belle Clements," who excelled at the multitude of mundane tasks required to run a southern farm and still found time to care for her memorable flower garden.

Kami Kinard closed the session with the next installment from her chapter book Mack the Mibster and his Marvelous Marbles. Mack saves Spaghetti Day with his marbles and wins a beautiful shooter (marble) from Mo, the class bully.

Thanks to John Migacz for the following:

It's done. I've honed my essay until its barbs are like needles and its wit cuts like a razor. I've run it past the members at the SCWW meeting, taken their fine advice and made it an essay worthy of print. The only thing left to do is fill out the cover sheet and sent it off to the Catfish Stew Anthology Contest.

Let's see… Name… Title… Word Count… I hit the word count button and it tells me my literary wonder contains 1425 words (with each one perfect, I might add.) I check the Quill for the correct address and notice that the maximum word count for an essay is 1000 words.

ONE-THOUSAND WORDS??? Oh, no. I'm over by almost a third. I run my hand through my hair (pulling out a few along the way) and start paring down my masterpiece. I first try just arbitrarily deleting every third word but that doesn't work. I yank out all the description but I'm still 250 words over. I fret, fume, fight, sweat blood and delete, delete, delete. I chew my nails down to the nub and re-write, re-write, re-write.

Finally the piece is down to 993 words. I give it a final read and realize the sharp barbs have fled and taken the essay's keen wit along with it. Slowly, the understanding sinks in - I won't be sending in the essay. Sighing, I push myself away from the keyboard and shake my head in amazement.

What is it that causes me never to look at the instructions before assembling that massive kid's toy on Christmas Eve? What is it that makes me not check directions to that important engagement then refuse to ask for help when we get lost?

The wife says it's because I'm a male and all males have a gene that makes them think they know everything.

I know the real truth. It's 'cause I'm a male and I DO know everything.

But then again… Note to self: Check word count max on all contests BEFORE the fine tune.

Printed Matters is the newsletter of the Greenville Chapter, SCWW, which meets on the first Thursday and third Tuesday of each month at 6:00 p.m. at The Open Book, 110 S. Pleasantburg Drive, Greenville, SC.

Thanks to our contributing writers and news reporters:
Jim McFarlane, Bob Strother, Pat Stewart, Howard Lewis, Crystal Pitrois, John Migacz, Steve Heckman, Phil Arnold, Kevin Coyle, Carol Isler and Marcia Migacz

Copyright 2005 by Marcia Migacz, Editor. Contributing writers retain all rights to their work.