Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze
The Premise: The crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000's
Satellite of Love takes-on one of the most exemplary
"love-it-or-hate-it" movies of our time.....
(1975) possesses a texture quite unlike any other big-screen
offering. While not inherently "bad" in the true sense, it
is nonetheless reviled by many —perhaps most— fans
of the Preeminent Pulp Adventurer for its failure
to more faithfully capture the essence of the
principals and the liberties taken with
their long-established attributes.
The Challenge: Build the Experiment with your own
sarcastic zingers, offbeat observations and
clever pop-culture references.
The Experience: Pop-in the tape or crank-up the
imagination. Dim the lights and riff along.
Your words. Their mouths. Go.
Our Experiment Thusfar:
"Today's show is brought to you by the letter 'W'..."
"Ah, George Pal, brother of noted rock drummer and
popular stuffed bedtime-buddy, Cozy Pal."
"It's a bright, sunny day here on the moon. You can just
make out the intrepid lunar rover as it... Oh, sorry."
"Minnesota, actually. The suburbs of the Arctic Circle."
"Music by John Philip Sousa and the Banshees."
"This is Doc Sausage: The Man of Braunschweiger!"
"Okay, who's gonna be the first tool to say,
'What's up, Doc?'"
"Really! It's Ely!"
"I wonder, does the 'Man of Bronze' sublet from the
'Man of Steel' or is it the other way around?"
"Doc's making silver bullets for a giant Lone Ranger!"
"You could take down a werewolf the size of Mt. Fuji
with that thing. Or Joe Don Baker, either one"
"NASA just hasn't been the same since Roland Martin
became director."
"Tony Randall: Counselor at Law"
"Shouldn't the porky guy with the muttonchops be 'Ham'?"
"That's some pig. And a cute little shaved weasel
he's holding, too."
"Renny? Renny Santoni?"
"Hi. Wanna see my Krazy-Glue hardhat?"
"Oh look! Johnny is really Mikey from 'Teenage
Strangler' all grown up. '...And he didn't
steal no bike, neither!'"
"Long Tom, no see."
"Doc's up to his keister in 'China White'!"
"Not many savages become doctors, ya know."
"Good thing, too. Who'd wanna be inoculated
with a blowgun?"
"Have no fear, the man from Fronce is here!?"
"Um, I think that's 'Have no cheer, the Mandelbaums
is near.'"
"No! No! No! They're clearly singing, 'Have mo' beer,
the man's in a brassière!'"
"Ed Wood's in this movie?"
"No, but keep an eye out for Clifton Webb."
"I heard George Hamilton was up for this role but,
oddly, wasn't bronze enough."
"Think he's the Doc of the Bay Otis Redding was
sittin' on?"
"This guy's nail-biting has gotten completely outta hand!"
"Exactly what could you climb in New York
in the 'thirties to shoot into the top floor
of the Empire State Building?"
"Farmer Hoggett's a lot shorter and pudgier
than I remember."
"Whattaya know. Bronze does go with everything."
"Hey lookit, Doc's dad was Commander McBragg!"
"Doc's dad set this whole weird thing in motion when he had
Doc's baby shoes bronzed. While he was wearing 'em!"
"Peter Fonda is Snake Plissken!"
"When Scantily Clad Steeplejacks Attack!"
"Duck, Ham! Monk...the pig! Wait. I'm just confused now."
"Did he say, 'Renny, we'll take a whiz'?"
"First name Renny. Last name Tin-tinny."
"Doc's a compulsive hero. Has his name on, like,
every single thing he owns!"
"So is that guy a real monk, or...?"
"Whatza cat dancing on the piano keys!?"
"Ham's a Fifth Avenue fascist?"
"Yeah. Do a 'Barney Oldfield', Long Tom. 'Cuz, well, a
'Barney Rubble' just wouldn't be quite as dramatic."
"They call him 'Long Tom' because of his long manly...scarf!"
"Not a native New Yorker, eh? Yeah, well who is
these days? How dead is he again?"
"Now why couldn't his fingers look like they've been
dipped in, say, some really fresh Ragu?
"Bronze! Bronze! Bronze! Oh, here's something new...
More bronze!"
"Maybe Doc could save the 'extinguisher globes' and
just throw his big shredded shirt on the fire."
"Sorry, Johnny. Shoulda known watchin' a dead guy
was too much to ask of you."
"Yeah, g'wan home Johnny. Yer mamma's callin'."
"The Red Baron's just not as sharp as he used to be."
"A full-size plane made out of nothing but fabric and
plywood. Doc just invented ValuJet!"
"Lessee. 'Hidalgo' means 'poor'. So it's the 'Capital of
the Republic of the Poor' then?"
"Uh, sure. One autopsy comin' right up...your royal
bronze highness!"
"That is one small bad guy!"
"Man, Raul Julia's really hit the skids!"
"Glow little glow-worm...of murder!"
"Order Doc's 'Pool-Romp Your Way to Fitness'
video today!"
"She's saying, 'I wonder how a gringo gets that bronze?'"
"Ham Abbott and Monk Costello, ladies and gentlemen!"
"Most guys can't pull off the muttonchops look.
And Monk is no exception!"
"Never trust a coroner from 'The Hills Have Eyes'."
"Yeah, yeah! 'Foreign substance' of 'some kind'.
Couldja be a bit more vague, please!"
"Doc's first case. Kinda smallish, though."
"Hey, these are slides of the annual coroners' picnic!"
"The 'Manos the Hands of Fate' music again!
Somethin's up!"
"Animated snakes! I'm outta here!!"
"Ow! Monk in a nightshirt, I did not need to see!"
"Doc! It hurts when I do this!"
"Doc don't know! He really don't know! And if Doc
don't know, it can't be worth knowin', ya know."
"John Steed arrives. With babes!"
"Saaaay! 'Lt. Colonel' Android Balljoint Mayflower's
quite the ladies man."
"Um hmm. He's thinking...'Monk sandwich'."
"The Captain would be extremely honored. Tennille, however,
would be wildly ambivalent."
"That 'swell' is an interjection, I hope."
"Filmed in glorious Dark-O-Vision!"
"He cleans up real good for a savage!"
"No, 'Seas' as in the highest grades I ever got in
high school!"
"Hmmm. Real name 'absolutely unpronounceable'.
You're Rolf Benirschke?"
"Your 'Coke', Doctor Savage. I trust a seven-percent
solution is satisfactory."
"All Captain Seas really needs to keep Doc away is
an apple a day. It's like kryptonite to him."
"Oh yeah. Long Tom's been to 'doobie-town' before."
"Get ready to rummmmmmmmble!"
"The 'electrical wizard' really is...sa-mokin'!"
"For a buncha waiters, these guys are really giving
Doc's outfit a heckuva workout!"
"Ya'd think those 76 trombone players'd wanna
throw down and maybe give Doc a hand."
"The Penguin's fishy henchmen!"
"C'mon boys. These swabbies need a good old-
fashion Fifth Avenue butt-kickin'."
"Cool! The bullets are just bouncin' off Doc's
huge crisp lapels."
"Man o' Bronze overboard!"
"Good thing they had all that oxygen-rich rigatoni
in their undershirts, huh?"
"Doc borrowed a suit from Mr. Roark."
"Look, it's Princess Ardala! Grrrrrr!!"
"Yes! The doctor is in!"
"My name is Mona Flores. You may call me...
Mona Flores."
"Have ya noticed Doc's gang is a little light in the
girls department?"
"Well, there's Johnny, of course."
"Even on horseback, they could've been to Canada
by now!"
"Yer gonna watch the horses...what, Monk?"
"My father found it. My mother found it. My sister
found it. And I found it."
"Oh, I'll 'get Savage' all right. Get savage on your
imperialistic heinie's what I'll get."
"Gold!! Not as good as bronze of course, but hey...
whaddaya gonna do?"
"I'll see your 'law of the jungle', Captain Seas,
and raise ya...one cool Tarzan!"
"Long Tom, I've been meaning to have a talk with you
about your 'thingamajig'."
"All these highly-skilled men-of-action and their
escape hinges on a tiny piglet gnawing
through their bonds!"
"That'll do, pig."
"Go, Green Death! Packers! Packers!"
"It's just you and me now, Seas. Mano a Richard
Libertini-lookin' mano."
"Gung fu. Karate. Bo Jitsu. Fisticuffs. C'mon, man,
bring on the Power Slam!"
"Yowzer! Mona's on Doc like lard on Monk!"
"Talk about Mother Nature being aroused! Woo-hoo!"
"The 'Gold Gomez for Sheer Greed and Outright
Stupidity' goes to...wouldn't ya know it...Gomez!"
"With this limitless wealth at my disposal I shall be
able to devote my life to the cause of justice...
and buy more bronze stuff!
"Viva, el hombre de gambas! Viva, el hombre de gambas!"
"I think you mean 'el hombre de bronce'. Your way is,
I believe, 'Man of Prawns'."
"Kill ya? Naw, that's not Doc's style. He'll just take ya
to Westchester County and shove icepicks
in your eyes. It's fun!"
"From world-class megalomaniac to apprentice
mandolin polisher. That Doc's a caution!"
"...This is an emoigency! I'm at the Warfield Drug Store.
They got drugs down here!"
"Have no fear, the sequel won't appear!"
"Ron Ely will not return...until he shows up as
Superman in the 'Superboy' TV show
sixteen years from now."
"He played Mike Nelson in 'Seahunt', too, ya know."
"That was Lloyd Bridges."
"He played Lloyd Bridges, too! Ron Ely really
is a talented guy."
"Fabulous Five? I dunno. Except for the principal
from 'The Breakfast Club' and Colonel Lynch
from 'The A-Team' there, these guys
really aren't all that fabulous."
"Yep. When I think 'great screen arch-villains',
I think 'Paul Wexler'."
"So, do we salute these credits or...?"
"Introducing Pamela Hensley? Waitaminnit!
Nobody introduced me to Pamela Hensley!!"
"I'm sure John Philip Sousa would be proud of the
adaptation of his works by the guy who did
the 'My Three Sons' theme."
"I am not leaving until I meet Pamela Hensley...!"
"Thank the Lord he's here? I guess that'd be the
'Lord of Big Bronze Guys', huh?"
"...She made 'Matt Houston', I tell you!..."
"No animated snakes were harmed during the
filming of this movie."
"...Pamelaaaaaa!!"
