CJ didn't live very far from Josh, but he made the drive in what felt like record time. It helped that the streets were deserted at nearly 3 a.m. She answered the door almost immediately after his first knock.

"Hey," she said. "She's doing a little better now, but I still don't like it."

Donna wasn't in the front room, as he half-expected. He started immediately toward the back of the house.

"Josh, wait," CJ stopped him with a hand on his arm.

He turned around, taking a semi-deep breath and seeming to register CJ's presence for the first time. "What happened?"

"I don't know. She was about the same when she went to bed as when we left your place," CJ said, running a hand through her hair. She looked frazzled. "She woke me up a couple hours later crying. Hard. I got up to check on her, and she was still asleep. I couldn't get her woken up. Then, when I did, she was very disoriented."

"What do you mean, disoriented?" It had taken her a few minutes the night before, too.

"Well...she finally woke up, she looked at me, and just threw her arms around me and continued crying. I tried to ask her what was wrong and all I could understand was that she didn't know what she was going to do," CJ said, gesticulating wildly. This had thrown the normally unflappable woman for a loop, to be sure. "She was crying too hard to talk, she was crying too hard to even catch her breath. I've never seen her like that, Josh, not even Friday night at the hospital. But the one thing I was able to make out every so often was your name. I asked her if she wanted to call you and she..." CJ trailed off, unable to articulate Donna's reaction. "You said last night she dreamed the ringleader broke into the apartment and killed you?"

"Yeah," Josh nodded.

CJ shook her head. "I don't know if that's what she dreamed tonight, but...I think it definitely had something to do with you. And from the looks of her, I'd bet my paycheck that it wasn't pleasant."

"Okay," Josh said, nodding, trying to absorb everything. "I'm gonna go talk to her. Could you give us a minute?"

*************

Josh could hear her sniffling on the other side of the door as he approached CJ's guest room. The door was slightly ajar. He rapped twice with his index finger, then pushed the door open slowly with his knuckle.

She was sitting in the middle of the mattress facing away from the door, picking at a handful of tissues. She didn't turn as Josh came into the room. He stopped at the foot of the bed, looking at her profile. She finally glanced in his direction. There was no anticipation at all in her expression…she'd been expecting CJ.

She did a double-take when she saw it was him. Her eyes went wide and before Josh even had a chance to say or do anything, she flew to the foot of the bed and threw her arms around his neck, knocking him off balance.

"The Redskins ought to look into recruiting you," he said, trying to keep the moment light. "They could use another good defensive tackle."

He was quiet for a moment with his arms wrapped around her waist, the sounds of her sobbing filling the room. "It's OK," he said softly, running a hand up and down her back in an attempt to quiet her. She was squeezing his shoulders so tightly it hurt. Then it occurred to him that the motion must be hurting her as well. Having her arms raised and squeezing with such force must be putting a lot of pressure on the sutures. "Don't hurt your shoulder," he said softly.

The sound she made was a cross between a laugh and a sob, but it allowed her to bring her breathing under control. Her arms relaxed only slightly around him, and she ran a hand up to the back of his head, tangling her fingers in his hair.

"Donna—"

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I'm so, so sorry, Josh. I—"

"It's OK," he said again.

"No, it isn't," she said, swiping at her tears over his shoulder. "I shouldn't have—"

"Donna, let's just forget it, OK?" he said into her shoulder.

"No, let me do this," she said. She pulled back only far enough to see his face, remaining pressed against him from the shoulders down. "I don't know why I…of all the ways for me to react. I just, I got embarrassed, I guess, and…" she trailed off, seemingly lost in his eyes. The memory of the dream was still vivid, vivid enough that she could remember shaking him, remember his skin being cold to the touch, remember his eyes refusing to open despite her pleading. She put her hands on the sides of his face, just as she had in the dream, and breathed out a sigh of relief to feel his warm skin, to feel blood pulsing beneath the surface. She leaned her forehead against his and closed her eyes. "I'm just…I'm sorry. For the whole night. I'm just so sorry."

"Hey," he whispered. She opened her eyes. "What happened?"

"Nothing," she shrugged. "'Nother nightmare."

"Yeah, that much I figured," Josh said, pulling away a little and placing his hands on the brass bed frame. He couldn't think straight that close to her. "What about?"

She sat back on her feet. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"CJ called me over here at 3 o'clock in the morning, Donna, because she couldn't get you to stop crying," Josh said, getting louder than he meant to. "You damn well will talk about it."

"I don't know how to…it didn't make much sense, Josh, it was one of those weird dreams, where everything was so disjointed you don't know what's going on," Donna tried, studying her hands.

"Look at me," he said sternly.

She shredded another tissue in her fingers before she found the courage to look him in the eye.

"Was it about him again?"

"No," she said confidently. "He wasn't in this one." She looked back down.

"Was it about me again?"

Her blue eyes were watery when she looked back up. She nodded, not trusting her voice.

"Same thing as last time?" he said as CJ pushed the door open quietly.

"Pretty much," she whispered.

"Donna?" CJ said. "I made you some tea."

Donna smiled ruefully. "I've had more tea forced on me these last few days than in the last 10 years."

CJ held the cup out and Donna took it. Josh's eyes stayed glued to her, the gears in his head grinding as he tried to decipher her expressions.

"Could you just give us another minute?" He looked at CJ.

She gave him a curious glance, but left the room wordlessly.

"I want you to call Stanley. Now."

"Josh, no. It's 3 in the morning."

"Yes, Donna. You can't just not do anything about it. And you're going to keep having them, you have to know that. You've gotta figure out some way to prepare yourself better," he was pacing now.

"How can I prepare myself better for a dream I don't know I'm gonna have?" she asked quietly.

"HOW DO I KNOW?" he turned, arms spread. "Do you have any idea how far out of my league…out of my league, I don't even have a league where this is concerned, Donna. You need to talk to him. Now."

"In the morning," Donna said quietly.

"Excuse me?"

"In the morning. Not right now, it's 3 a.m. Which makes it midnight in San Francisco. It can wait until the morning," she said firmly. 

"Swear to me that you will call him in the morning," Josh said.

"I do solemnly swear."

"Smart ass."

"Look who's talking."

He put his hands on his hips and paced a few more steps. "Will you be able to get back to sleep?"

"Yes," she said quietly. Josh began to nod, but she interrupted him. "If I can come back to the apartment."

He started to say no, started to at least put up a fight, but she was sniffling and looking at him with that...face. She'd get anything she wanted and she knew it. And it had the added virtue of being what he wanted, too. "CJ's gonna love this."

Donna nodded, trying unsuccessfully to hide a little smile.

"And you, by the way," he said, heading to the door, "could enjoy having me in the hot seat with her just a little bit less. Get your stuff."

***********

Though Donna suspected CJ would give Josh a hard time about it later, she was surprisingly sweet about Donna leaving in the middle of the night. She made Donna drink her tea while she packed for her, then bundled her up in her winter coat, hat and gloves over her pajamas.

They pulled up outside the brownstone and Josh shut off the ignition, but didn't move to get out. "Listen, can I just say something?"

"Something else?"

"Yes."

She eyed him warily. "Fine."

He swallowed. "I apologize."

"No, Josh—"

"You're not letting me say it." She fell silent. "For before, when you were cooking, the thing before. That was…that was absolutely the wrong thing to do. That was quite possibly the very last thing you needed right then, and I just…did…that. And…I don't want to damage our friendship, Donna."

"I know."

"I mean, this, this is really important to me, and I don't want one moment of bad judgment on my part to ruin—"

"You didn't ruin anything," Donna said. "It was…you didn't ruin anything."

"Ahkay."

"And I am sorry about how badly I reacted, and I am sorry for the things I said," she said waving off his attempt to interrupt her. "And most of all, I'm sorry for leaving."

"Can we just forget it?"

Donna nodded. "We can."

Josh nodded, a trace of a grin on his face.

"'Kay, but seriously, it's getting kinda cold now, so could we maybe…?"

"Right," he said, opening the car door.

***********

She jerked herself back from near sleep for the third time before he finally lent voice to thought. "Donna, what the hell was that dream about?" he said from the edge of the mattress.

"I told you," she said.

"That it was about me, and that it was similar to last time," he said, turning to face her. She had laid, despite the twinge that it caused in her shoulder, on her left side facing his back, hoping secretly that seeing him there would keep her from dreaming again. But she couldn't allow herself to fall back asleep. She just looked at him, and didn't respond.

He tried another approach. "Last time…you dreamed Packard broke into the apartment and killed me."

"I didn't dream about him this time," she said.

"But you dreamed somebody killed me?"

"I dreamed…yes. No. I don't know, I told you it was really weird," she said, running a hand over her face. "It didn't make any sense. I was at Arlington, and CJ was there, and Toby, and Sam. We were standing there at Fred's gravesite, only, I don't know, at some point, it wasn't Fred's."

"Yeah?"

Donna didn't continue.

"It was mine?" Josh propped up on his elbows. "Donna, it was just a crazy—"

"And then," she said quietly, "Toby told me you were hit." She paused for a minute. "Just like that night."

Josh furrowed his brow. "Hit?"

"Just like that night at the hospital."

"Rosslyn."

"Yeah."

"Toby told you? Toby was the one who told you that night?" He'd always just assumed she'd either had the news on or was paged and came running.

"Yeah. I…they reported the President was hit on the news, and I headed to GW, because that was where you'd be. That's procedure," her voice sounded a little faraway. "I didn't even know you'd been…hit until I found the others. I don't know, I should have picked up on it when I came in the room, but I was wound up, and I was babbling, and CJ just had this look on her face, which was better than Sam, who wouldn't look at me at all. And finally Toby just…said it."

It was an odd experience for Josh. He'd never thought about this moment, never thought about how Donna was told. He'd always just assumed it was all over the news pretty quickly, and there was no need to tell her. He had a faint memory of being at the Newseum and wondering where she was, then remembering she hadn't come and being glad, because at least he knew she was alright. He had retained only flashes of the ambulance ride and the emergency room. Faces, sounds, a few words here and there. Sam. Leo screaming for someone to fill him in. CJ was holding his hand at one point, maybe that was at the Newseum. And when he woke up in his room, after he was out of recovery, she was there. He'd never needed to ask any questions beyond that. He shook himself from his reverie. "I didn't know that. About Toby telling you, I mean."

"Yeah," Donna said. "Anyway, it was…you had already been taken back to surgery by the time I got there. I didn't get to see you before, so…"

"Yeah. Wait, this was in the dream?"

"No," Donna said, seemingly jarred from the memory by mention of the dream. "No that was for real." She paused slightly. "In the dream, Toby told me you were hit, and all of a sudden we were at the bank, and I was looking for Fred, it was after the S.W.A.T. team had come in. And I went over to where he was, but it wasn't him. It was you," she choked on the last word. "And I couldn't get you to wake up, and I couldn't hear your heart. Just like Fred. Only it was you."

"You saw him after?" Josh's voice was very quiet.

Donna swiped at her cheek with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "I held his hand for a minute. I had hoped it wasn't that bad, but...but it was." She closed her eyes for a second. "You were so still, and cold, and I couldn't feel a pulse, and I couldn't hear a heartbeat. Just like Fred. And yeah, it was your grave. Yeah."

She felt Josh pick her hand up off the mattress, and didn't react at first. When he began to pull it toward him, she opened her eyes. He laid her palm over his heart and pressed down gently on the back of her hand with his own. "You're mixing up your nightmares," he said softly. "I'm the guy who made you a promise."

She didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything. 

"Donna, I swear. I don't have any control over whatever...Dream Josh is doing, and I'm not too happy with him for upsetting you so badly by the way, but speaking only for myself...I'm not going anywhere," he squeezed her hand a little. "So stop trying to give me ideas, 'cause I plan on being around for a while."

She felt the beating of his heart beneath her hand, the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, felt the irregularity of the surgical scar on his chest through his shirt. Absentmindedly, she traced a finger up and down it, remembering a time when his chest was pried open with a rib spreader and surgeons were working in the spot below her hand to repair damage that should have never been done in time to save his life.

"When T-toby told me, that night," she whispered. "I swear to God that was the worst...the was just the worst...I wish I had been there, been able to talk to you before."

"Donna," he said firmly. "Listen..." he rubbed distractedly at his forehead with his free hand. "There's not a whole lot about that night that I would consider to be even remotely good, but the one thing I've always been glad about is that you didn't go with us that night. In the moments afterward...I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know if the President was alive or dead, I didn't know if anyone else was OK. Toby or Sam, CJ or Leo...I mean, I knew I was hurt, so probably some of the others were, too. But I knew, beyond a doubt, that you were OK because you weren't there." He looked over at her. "Of everything that happened that night, that's the only thing I wouldn't change."

She looked at him for a moment, then pulled herself closer, laying her head on his chest and listening to his beating heart, listening to the sound she'd wanted so desperately to hear in her dream. "God, what's the matter with me?"

"They're just dreams, Donna," he said softly, a little taken aback by her change in position. "You'll get a handle on it eventually."

"I wanted so badly to...not have it be like this," she said, the shame unmistakable in her voice. "Damn it."

Josh squeezed the hand he was still holding. "You'll figure it out. You promised me you'd give it some time. I'm holding you to it."

She was silent for a minute, and he was beginning to think she'd dozed off. "Hey..." she said drowsily.

"Hmm?"

"There's something else I wouldn't change about that night," she said.

It took him a minute to make the connection. "Oh. What else?"

She closed her eyes and whispered her response.

"You lived."